How to build resilience in the new not-so-normal

Our world has been upended by the COVID-19 pandemic, and we are hearing the word ‘resilience’ more and more often. Usually, it’s in the context of being able to cope with negative events, or bounce back from setbacks. And never has this seemed more necessary in a new normal that is characterized by constant, and often dramatic, change.

Coping with negative events is only half the resilience story. True resilience is about being able to respond appropriately to change of any kind. That includes the capacity to recover from setbacks, but also the ability to make positive changes when circumstances permit. It’s about taking effective charge of your own life, feeling confident that you have the ability to shape your own future instead of just leaning into the winds of change and hoping you will bend rather than snap.

Where does that kind of resilience come from?

It’s important to recognize that resilience isn’t just about having a positive attitude, cultivating a sense of optimism, building a strong support network, or losing yourself in mindful activities. All of these things can be helpful tools in dealing with the anxiety that comes with change, but to develop true resilience we need to develop two core skills: the ability to deal effectively – really effectively – with chronic stress, and strong willpower.

The need for effective stress management in today’s world is pretty self-evident. We are all affected by the COVID- 19 pandemic – sadly, some of us much more than others – and whether our stress is caused by general anxiety and sadness at the current state of the world, fear of illness, concern for loved ones, social isolation, loss of income, loss of employment or the fear of it, adapting to working or schooling from home, or dealing with any of the myriad changes to the way we live our lives, the ability to manage that stress effectively is key to not becoming overwhelmed.

Stress management is not just about making ourselves feel better. When we have to live with constant stress we start to make poor decisions. We seek comfort in habits that may be counter-productive or even destructive. We find it difficult if not impossible to do what we want or need to do. Before we can begin to feel confident about our ability to respond positively to changes in our circumstances, we need to get our chronic stress under control so that it doesn’t drain our physical and mental energy.

Happily, neuroscience has taught us much about how our brain’s stress response works, which has enabled us to develop effective techniques for not just managing chronic stress, but even eliminating it altogether. Willpower is the other side of the resilience coin. It’s the key to making positive changes where you can. Without well-developed willpower, it’s virtually impossible to change your behavior, even when it’s something you really want to do.

Many of us will have seen the evidence for this in our own lives since the start of the pandemic. Required to stay at home, often with much more free time on our hands than we are used to, we resolve to at least stay fit by working out every day. We hear about all kinds of apps and online videos and classes to help with that, often at little or no cost. Opportunity is not a barrier. Time is not a barrier. Cost is not a barrier. Genuine desire to make it happen is not a barrier. Yet we find that we spend most of our time on the couch watching TV or scrolling through our phones or doing what we normally would do at the end of a busy day – except now we’re doing it for most of the day.

The same applies to deciding to declutter and organize your home, or learn a new language, or finally do something about all those digital photos, or take an online course to improve your CV when and if you need to find a new job. We know now is a good time to do something constructive. It will not just take our minds off what is happening in the world, but make a positive contribution to our lives.

But – probably more often than not – we don’t. Our lockdown to-do lists have few items struck off and our good intentions end up going the same way as our New Year’s resolutions.

Similarly, many of us have decided there are good things we wish to take from this time into our future lives, perhaps a newfound pleasure in cooking or simple activities like playing board games with our family, or a greater sense of thrift and aversion to waste. But even now we probably realize that, given the opportunity, we will quickly revert to our old habits of buying takeaways, eating out and spending time alone on our personal screens instead of with each other.

We have every intention of making a positive change, even a permanent one, but even if we make a good start we very quickly fall back into our old habits.

Just as neuroscience research has revealed how the human stress response works and how we can manage it more effectively, it has also given us insight into why it’s so difficult for us to change our behavior. We now know that humans have two distinct minds, one responsible for rational thought and another stronger, faster subconscious mind that is largely geared to drive us to do what we’ve always done. This subconscious mind sabotages our best intentions because it decides what we are going to do before our rational mind even gets a chance to kick in.

There are things we can do to short-circuit that kind of self- sabotage, but to do this effectively we need to be able to exercise a reasonable level of willpower. Research has shown that some of us are born with stronger willpower than others, and young children with high levels of willpower are more likely to later succeed in all areas of life than others.

The good news, however, is that willpower is not a character trait but a skill that can be developed. Essentially, willpower acts like a muscle – the more you flex it, the stronger it gets.

Together with effective stress management to avoid feeling overwhelmed by your situation, strong willpower allows you to do what you can, perhaps even to find creative new ways of realizing your goals. Stress management and strong willpower are the two cornerstones of developing the kind of resilience that will give you a head-start while the world we live in continues to change in ways we have never experienced before. In an environment where unpredictability and the need to adapt to new circumstances have become the order of the day, we all need to be resilient and able to reinvent ourselves time and again.

It’s heartening to know that resilience is a life skill that can be learned, practiced and improved, because it’s a skill we will all need in spades for the foreseeable future.